a rather complicated post, or stage in life, but it's best defined by a term in dutch that i learned, i hope, correctly. "net nit." as my parents explained it to me, they've been using it since i was little, "net nit" means something that's almost perfect but not quite there yet. i'm in no way implying that i'm close to perfection but i feel i'm very close to concluding a phase in my life, the "come back" phase. thankfully, almost doing a full circle.
i moved back home to recharge my batteries and by that, i mean: gather strength, look at my faults, grow and mature, face life again, become the positive person i once was before a trauma hit. to recuperate my energy and my self. well, so far, there have been a lot of changes. i have been back in brasil for almost 2 years and i'm glad to say that i feel fulfilled for a variety of reasons. a bit more confidence, self esteem, faith in life... therapy has been helping tremendously, i have found my interests again, i'm sick of talking about the cancer that i had and i want to move on. i want to believe that i may and can have faith in life, that things are good and u can trust and all's well that ends well. and then, there's the net nit part.
i feel i'm so close to believing and i feel that when i do (and not if i do), things will finally fall into place. i'm anxiously craving the part of my life when things will be on track again. right now, i just have to deal with the net nit part. i have to give that final twist, to add the lemon zest, to take that last step. i feel i'm filling what i need in order to do that. building up courage, confidence, safety... so close, so very close. hopefully, soon, i'll breathe in, fill my chest with air and everything that i own and belong to (be thankful for the brave origins i come from), and blindly and confidently, yet with open eyes, take a step on a new ground. start a new phase. fresh yet loaded with beautiful baggage as a very worthy resource that i can call upon if needed.
(i think i'm proud of myself and hope this post is inspiring, if not to anyone else, then at least, to me)
and i do want to thank people that have been pushing me, aggressively or not. thank u. i understand that u are also anxious and excited about me getting there. "so close, yet so far away..." (just kidding)
almost there, i promise.
CURRENTLY READING:
~ quarterlife crisis by alexandra robbins and abby wilner (thanks jill)
