wishing everyone a merry christmas and happy holidays! 

today was the last day of work for this year so it feels like 2009 is over! 

CURRENTLY READING:

~ show me how: 500 things you should know instructions for life from the everyday to the exotic by derek fagerstrom & lauren smith

birthday was great. set a great tone for a new year. my brother was here, which usually isn't the case. so that's good news. had a great gathering at home with baked goods. :) i love baking. it was really between cooking school and art school. maybe someday i should remake that decision and give a cooking school in paris a shot. who knows...


other than that, been having a health-related week so that's unpleasant. did an MRI last week and i'm sure it's fine but it's still stressful. have some stressful exams this coming week. i hope it's all over soon. i'm telling ya, the post cancer crap is a lot worse than the cancer itself. cancer was easy. it's the consequences that are difficult to fix.
and the worst part of it all might be that no one really gets it. if you haven't been through something like that yourself, you cannot measure the feelings. it is there where i think empathy attempts are noble but no, not sure it can happen. sadly, some people don't even try empathy and diminish anything you might be feeling because it's too hard for them to deal with. so yea, feeling a bit lost and helpless, literally.


oh well, as soon as this week is over, it'll feel better, i'm hoping. sorry for not posting lately. i might take a bit of a vacation. i think i'm in need of one...

picture taken by a photographer and this is not even the final version. here's a few words i wrote about the experience: (portuguese and then, english)


a olhada antes da foto
para colocar em poucas palavras: foi um convite íntimo por uma pessoa segura do que está fazendo mas que se colocou vulnerável também.
rola uma preparação, um set up totalmente racional. ajeita a luz, arruma a estética da futura foto.
mas logo antes de clicar, meio segundo antes, foi de pura razão para pura emoção. rola uma troca de olhares por uma iniciativa do fotógrafo, um lado masculino que deu o 1o passo. um lado masculino sedutor mas carinhoso. bem humano, super sincero, muito honesto. muito dócil mas assertivo. foi bem “aqui e agora.” sem enrolação, sem small talk, sem mágica.
vi um olhar muito autêntico que permitiu a captura de uma essência de uma pessoa por outra. são só duas pessoas, não necessariamente marcio e julie.
não me senti insegura porque confiei facilmente. mas me senti desmontada. tirou toda minha barreira e nenhuma palavra melhor do que intimidade. senti que o risco (de ser fotografada) não era só meu, era do fotógrafo também. me senti nua na frente de 15 pessoas.
não tinha nem como aceitar ou não o convite para aquele instante. se demorasse mais 2 segundos, não sairia a mesma foto. quando você percebe tudo isso, o momento e o clique já foram. voltamos a ser simplesmente mais duas pessoas, marcio e julie, agora apenas com uma troca e uma confiança a mais.
(e para mim, sinto ainda a sorte de ter vivido um momento desses. me parece agora uma intimidade que aprendi. sinto que tenho um segredo se um dia eu  quiser ou precisar...)


ENGLISH:
the glance before the photograph

to put it in a few words: it was an intimate invitation by a confident person who knows what he's doing but who made himself vulnerable as well.
there's a preparation, a very rational set up. fix the light, get the aesthetics of the future photo right.
but right before the click, a half second before, it went from pure rationality to pure emotion. there's an exchange of looks that the photographer initiated, a masculine side taking the 1st step. a seductive but sweet masculine side. very human, super sincere, very honest. very docile yet assertive. it was very "here and now". no beating around the bush, no small talk, no magic. 
i saw a very authentic glance that allowed for the capture of the essence of one person by another person. it's just two people, not marcio and julie. 
i didn't feel insecure because i trusted easily. i felt completely taken apart. it took down all my guard and there is no better word than intimacy. i felt the risk (of being photographed) was not only mine, it was the photographer's too. i felt naked in front of 15 people.
i didn't even have the choice to accept or not accept the invitation at that instant. if we took 2 more seconds, it wouldn't have come out the way it did. when you notice all of this, the moment and the click are gone. we go back to simply being two people, marcio and julie, now with an extra exchange and confidence.
(and to me, i still feel lucky to have lived a moment like that. it seems now i have learned a kind of intimacy. i feel i have a secret if i ever want or need one...)

again, MIA. i don't do that too often... 
it's been raining rhinos and elephants (to explain the situation accurately based on the "raining cats and dogs" expression) and i had forgotten how massive the raindrops are. fun sometimes, when you're headed home. not fun when you're in your car. traffic has been so loud that i can't listen to music at home because too many drivers are stressed and letting it out on the horns. i guess i'm glad my car's in the shop these weeks, and this is one of the few moments in life when that statement actually does make sense and is true. so i've been pulling up my pants, taking off my shoes and walking in the rain a lot. makes me giggly. 
had a fantastic experience in this photography course this weekend. the photographer/teacher's website is www.marcioscavone.com.br and it's very worth checking out. he's mostly known for portraits but as one of the students put it, "he's more than just a photographer." so sensitive and generous and right before the click on that camera, so sincere and naked. amazing. i'll write some lines for him, i'm so flattered he asked for it, on what it felt like to be on this side of the camera (the photographed side) and i'll post it here as well. i don't want to say magical because that's just not true but mostly, it was very down to earth. not airy at all. it was almost a tangible moment. very eye to eye, honest, almost frank, definitely an exchange between the photographer and the photographed. it was a suggestion, it was very delicate, an easily understandable question with his eyes asking permission to take that photograph... amazing... 
other than that, major discussion at dinner last night whether or not being an optimist or in a good mood is a choice. nature x nurture again... but i believe it's a choice, a decision we make. we are always faced with at least 2 options. traffic (to take a current topic these days): you can either be grumpy and complain and let it ruin your day, or you can make the most of it, like listen to a good cd in the car and just forget about it. i was confronted, last night, with arguments that were implied that i wasn't dealing with reality and that some things do in fact suck. i agree but again, i guess i must be annoying to some people, it's your choice to think it sucks. traffic's always that bad? don't use your car, walk, bike, subway, change your route or come and go at non-rush hours... and then again confronted "but i have to get there by car and this city has traffic." yea, my reply was move to a different city because obviously your location doesn't match your values/priorities. i don't know... i have my bad moments too, of course, but it's a balance between emotional and rational in my opinion. emotional's stressed out? use a little rationality to guide yourself out... no? oh well...
okay, no more writing. i wasn't intending to write so much to compensate for not posting. hee hee... have a great weekend, buy christmas presents for your loved ones, send cards in the mail, but wear flip flops - we'll have rain!!! 

Feels a bit risky to me but I've been wondering, considering, thinking... I feel like I'm "what if-ing" too much.

But what if I want to try to do the things I love? Feels vulnerable because they're close to my heart and will suffer some judgment every now and then. But what if it works? What if I do what I love and it works out? What about drawing all day, coming up with even more creative dialogues, being a part of the contemporary art world, photographing, showing my stuff to a potential buyer, a potential gallery or at least, co-artists?
It's one of the things I'm most afraid of and it crosses my mind all the time but it's something I've never risked. I do hear we only live once...

If I could I would... silkscreen, woodcut, stamp, alter images on the computer, scan and print, sew them into beautiful inspirational (to me) artist books, bookbind, look for paper, look for references, research, visit galleries/art shows, draw all day, take photographs, calligraphy, experiment... I wonder if it'd feel like paradise or if it'd still be scary. 

CURRENTLY READING: 

~ la isla bajo el mar by isabel allende

sorry for being MIA lately. i have been out of touch. too much thinking maybe. i think i got distracted by my thinking and forgot all the things i like doing. 
cloudy mind: (hopefully will soon unclutter)
nostalgic, college times, boston, friends lived closer, cancer, drugs, medication, hormones, fairness x unfairness, traveling, being there x taking pictures, walking, health, what's good for you x what you should do, beauty standards in brazil, frustration, how to deal with frustration?, work, career, focused on one thing x being good on many things, email twitter facebook, connectivity, private x public, remembering, systemic constellations, art artists galleries artworks, drawing, lightbox, participating, bookbinding course in a state institution (state or municipal?), hopefully project will be approved, updating amazon's wish list, birthday, lunch, family, mom dad brother, bahamas, family, extended family, celebrations, dinner lunch beach bar club, friends from work x coworkers, boyfriend being so intelligent, intelligent = curiosity, trying and loving everything new, acupuncture... 
weird. felt good to let go of crap in public. (sorry. meant: venting on the blog) 
i'll feel lighter soon i hope. hitting the pool straight from walking home from work was a start.
CURRENTLY READING: 
~ la isla bajo el mar by isabel allende

doing a lot lately. thank you for leaving comments always. it's always nice to know people read the blog and i'm still unsure of the point of this, but i'll keep doing it as long as it makes me happy. strange to have a journal online but hey...
so, been to a lot of galleries lately. seen robert polidori at museu da casa brasileira. love him. then, onto doisneau's pictures of the renault factory in france. centro cultural at rua vergueiro is fantastic. i'll confess now that i had never been there before, wow. but i'll definitely go again now. saw a cool exhibition about artist books. (check out cneai, in france)
also went to the circus last week and this was a good one, not that i'm an expert. it made a lot of sense to link circus acrobatics with music. very fun and also fun to go with people from work. (will this make work more fun?) also galeria vermelho, casa triângulo... good to catch up with the art world. and let me tell you, there's a lot to catch up with. 
other than that, writing up a project that, if approved, will entail teaching 3 hours/week for 3 months about artist books and bookbinding. could be enriching/creative/stimulating. hope it gets approved. well, my love to the dear ones reading this, as they say in greek: καλη εβδομαδα. (have a good week)
CURRENTLY DOWNLOADING: 

~ astor piazzolla 

CURRENTLY READING: 

~ the girl with the dragon tattoo by stieg larsson

some pictures from a julie-and-friend-made long weekend from buenos aires. definitely a good trip. took my mind completely away from everything. unreal. went to some good restaurants, reconnected with a long lost friend, walked all day till we had blisters, saw some museums, fell in love with evita as an icon, shopped some... 

want to go back for sure. i can't believe we did so much and still have more than half the city to see. buenos aires offers more than i expected. good. it's next door. {planning a trip in january, joining friends i've missed... could be good...}

walking home from work is beautiful. speaking of work, i'm very proud to mention, or should i say boast, that we had a meeting and a group exercise at the end of it (geared towards boosting people's confidence i'm guessing) where we had to write one word for every other coworker. 
proud to present, here are my words: 
fearless, daring (twice!), creative, committed. 
not bad... 
also funny how daring in brazil might equal simply creative in the US. different countries allow different things and here, i can see how daring fits in. although in the US, it's not that much of a dare to defy the system and question everything you're told. interesting. 
well, back to walking home from work... here are some pictures... enjoy! 

definitely some of my favorite things: dumpster diving and mail. sweet. 
found this small very brazilian pure wood bench, not bad at all! might need new legs but that's easy and doable. i love dumpster diving, finding things that people dispersed of and that are still very usable likeable and cool to me.
and the package will be in the mail soon. gotta love mail. call me romantic but i love letters, pen and paper. handwriting, calligraphy, the sound of opening an envelope, stamps, handmade funny drawings and doodles... 
i've actually kept a lot of letters that have been mailed to me over the past years. and funny, not sure what to do with them. don't want them to be a burden but hopefully, i'll put them to good use some day soon. (suggestions? do you keep your letters? does anyone? am i psycho? hee hee)
long weekend here in brazil and of course, very são paulo-like, it'll only be sunny on monday... if that. bummer.
but still good. spending a lot of time with the very fun and smile and good vibe/mood/attitude boyfriend (oooh, gossip on blog) other than that, trying to be productive about being creative and also, being productive about doing nothing. hee hee.
CURRENTLY ON TV: 
~ try outs for do you think you can dance