sentimental post but worth it. for me at least. for writing it.
i can say that after 2002, so... 9 yrs, i've been living life in automatic mode. in trauma and scared-of-life mode. a bit on the grey and negative side of things, with yes, spurts of happiness now and then. not depressed at all, but sad and angry. negative, pessimistic, irritated, annoyed...
cancer's a big hit and i guess, like when you snap your back out of place, you need to snap it back in. well, recently, turns and risks and jobs and what-have-yous, for some reason, something clicked. or snapped. that's what it felt like and i believe we can only see the grey clouds in hindsight. god, i love hindsight, although ironically, yes, i wish we could see things clearly in the middle of the hurricane as well. but i get it, we're human and we can only deal with what we can handle.
so i'm slow. it took me 9 years to release things. letting go is a huge part of overcoming and i went through all i did and now, i can finally, and recently, say that i have faith in life again. the feeling's been tip toeing towards me for a while but i can feel the change. it's like i see things more clearly. more colors. i'm confident in life again. confident that things WILL BE fine no matter what happens. more in tune and concerned with the PRESENT. making choices in order to be happy. focusing on the PROCESS and realizing that results will be results, such as boys will be boys, like gloria estefan always said. i've been LAUGHING and smiling and talking/writing more freely. nonsensical even because that's just how i think, how the synapses in there connect. i feel like i'm back into being an artist mode.
i do believe it has to do with things that pushed me to make a few changes in my life but instead of feeling like i have no floor underneath my feet, it feels i can actually hang in there fine, midair. i'm so happy to be my old self, before cancer, before a big breakup, before i lost faith, for lack of a better word, that something good was reserved for me somewhere out there. i hope this newfound confidence in life stays. and like one of the finest words ever, if something disrupts things again, because life has its bumps and we know it, may i have the resilience to come back up faster, more positive, lighter.
ps: the brownie is finger licking good. :)
much much love and good night.
onto a good present!
