100percentjulie

i've been contemplating my reality, action - reaction, perception, optimism - pessimism and responsibilities. what exactly is under my responsibility? i guess free will comes into play as well but not as opposite of destiny. free will as what really depends on my actions? how much effect do i have on certain outcomes? what situations do i have any power over? i might be fluctuating towards overresponsible, to put it lightly. taking responsibilites for things that no, never depended on me. after a big let down, came a big frustration, of course. but maybe i only became a pessimist because i gave myself the blame despite not truthfully being to blame. (?) does this make sense?

i'll take a risk (also, risk taking, recently and constantly popping in my mind) and add the "real thing" here: after realizing that i had a huge health problem in my life, i dealt with it. around came the first surgery and after that, i did everything i could (there's the problem in my logic) thinking that if i did do everything i was asked for, the result would be that i'd be fine and cured forever. the health problem came back a year later and i guess i never questioned but just bluntly believed that it was my fault. the problem came back and i took the blame. how unreal of me to think that i alone had the power to, without taking into consideration the medicine aspect of this whole issue, cause a direct effect (we're not talking, put a positive spin on it and u'll recover faster) in the results and consequences of such a big health problem.

funny, at least, how this inspires artworks in me. as always, the 100% julie version: when life gives u lemons, make lemonade, lemon merengue pie, lemon tarts, jam...
CURRENTLY ON IPOD:
~ you don't love me by the allman brothers' band